Hebrews 13:8

"Not only do we not know God except through Jesus Christ; we do not even know ourselves except through Jesus Christ." Blaise Pascal

As I embark on my final month in Tanzania my mind has begun wandering to the life awaiting me at home. Last semester I spent much of my time being introduced as “Erin Pham, the girl who’s going to Africa.” I also introduced MYSELF as “Erin Pham, I’m about to go to Africa.” With a combination of excitement and desire to talk about Tanzania constantly, and the hope for the conversation to open doors and lead to another way to share the gospel, my semester in Tanzania quickly became my identity to many. The girl who wants to do missions, the girl who loves going abroad, the girl who is headed to Africa.

Identity is something that is constantly changing. I’m a student, Tanzanian Resident, girlfriend, American Citizen, Razorback, Pi Phi… the list goes on. However, the one thing that will not change is that I am daughter of the most high God.

I can place my identity in my Tanzanian residency, but in 31 days that will be uprooted and my identity will be forced to change. I can place my identity in my student occupation, but in a few years that will make a drastic shift and I’ll be left waving goodbye to the identity I crafted for myself.

When I touch ground back in the States I will no longer be able to call Tanzania “home.” I will no longer drive to my house in “Kansas City” for the comfort it once offered. I will no longer be “one of the girls who lives at ‘The Dock’.”

I will, however, be His. I will rest my identity in Him, and let the rest fall into place.

Yours Truly.

1 Corinthians 15:41

"God's promises are like the stars; the darker the night, the brighter they shine."

I could swear to you that there’s at least 4 times as many stars here as there are in Fayetteville. I get to step out of my room and look at these stars lighting my path every night; I get to gawk at their brilliance. The most beautiful thing about this sight, however, is that it’s not made for me. The sight of those beautiful stars is created for God, by God.

If someone that I care for needs something from me, I hand it over without a second thought simply because I love them and I desire to share with them. God shares these beautiful images with me, His daughter. I stood as the only one in that particular spot, on that particular night, looking at that particular sky. It was a sight that He made for himself and gave my prideful, dirty, impure eyes the chance to gaze upon. It was a moment of intimacy between He and I. It was the daddy/daughter date of the century.

I desire closeness with people. My flesh demands clarity, answers, and direction in my earthly relationships. However, my soul and heart need only one relationship. The relationship that will never abandon me, let me down, give up on me, stop caring for me, or fail. My heart needs only Him, and therefore all else that He gives me will create joy and gratefulness in my soul.

I tried to take a picture to show people back home how amazing the stars were, and even on my “Night-time Star Gazing” setting it didn’t pick up a single star. This is the camera that can pick up the smallest star in the sky on the darkest night, yet it couldn’t seem to find a single one of the brilliantly bright and overwhelming stars that were blanketing the sky. Why?

That was a moment of intimacy for my Father and I. That was a time that we got to share with each other and love each other with the greatest and closest love there is. I didn’t need a picture to share that sight with anyone else, because that was a sight that He gave to me. That was mine.

Go outside and look at the stars. Whether it be spectacularly bright, or cloudy and dim, take a moment to sit with the Lord. Take time and let Him show you a love that will sustain you for a lifetime on this imperfect planet. Let him give you a gift, because He loves you, and you are His.

Today is a day that the Lord has made. Let us rejoice and be glad in it!

Yours Truly.

Isaiah 66:9

“I will not cause pain without allowing something new to be born, says the Lord.”

So when I woke up this morning there was a weird sensation in my stomach. As I described it to Collin, “I felt uneasy about something and I am just not sure what…”

After a time of prayer and genuine reflection, I realized something. I am homesick. Lately there’s been a surplus of things that I’ve had to “miss out on” back in the States. It’s hard to sit helplessly in Africa so far from all of your friends knowing that you don’t get to be at that dinner party, a part of that wedding, a date to that event, so on and so forth. I haven’t really felt homesick since I’ve been here. I’ve been so filled with excitement and drive to serve that I haven’t really spent time reflecting on what I’m missing out on back home. It’s a powerful loneliness.

Then I realized, I think that’s part of why I feel so called to missions. The life of a missionary requires such a hard sacrifice. You have to devote your life to serving the Lord in a place foreign to your comfort zone. There’s something so raw and beautiful about being forced to place all of your relationships, materials, and comfort in God’s hands and saying “You are my perfect Father and I trust you. Guide me where you want me.”

To me, a lot of the beauty of missions is the pain. Giving up so much and leaping into His arms. That’s why waking up this morning with a rock in the pit of my stomach was one of the best gifts He’s ever given me. It helped me know that I’m not coming over to Tanzania and just having a good time. I’m making a sacrifice and fighting this pain, which is something that I’ve always thought to be a requirement of a missionary. They have to love the nations but they also have to love home, because if they aren’t giving up anything to serve, then where is the sacrifice for Him?

Today I am thankful for the things that I’m missing out on back home. I am grateful for the fact that I’m not there on that dance floor, at that dinner table, and being that function date… and I’m even more grateful that it hurts. I just can’t believe that I’m the one who he chose to let feel this pain. This is a beautiful sacrifice.

And I absolutely can’t wait to spend my whole life sacrificing for Him, because He is worth it.

Yours Truly

Isaiah 64:4

"When the heart weeps for what is lost, the spirit laughs for what it has found." Sufi Aphorism

I boarded the plane for Tanzania and made a bucket list of things that I just had to do while I was over here. The list went on as I dreamed of this foreign and far away land where everything was exciting, new, and an adventure. I was going to go to Uganda and raft on the Nile, visit Kigali and see the sight of so much development, travel down to Cape Town and stand on the edge of the Cape of Good Hope with the wind blowing in my hair, finally understanding what it meant to journey to the edge of Africa and back.

My passport has many less stamps than I dreamed it would, and I can’t make these adventurous claims to friends back at home. All of these adventures require time and money. You want to know the best part, though? Let me tell you a few things that weren’t on my list, that I can now cross off.

1. Running across the finish line of the Kilimanjaro Marathon with two little girls small hands in mine.

2. Laying on a beach in Zanzibar and finding my undeniable heart and calling for missions.

3. Finding the micro-dipper.

4. Having a time of personal prayer atop a safari vehicle while trekking across the Ngorongoro Crater.

5. Gazing across the building tops of Nairobi from the top of the tallest sky-scraper.

6. Walking around town and speaking fairly effortlessly in Swahili with my new friends.

7. Inviting others to a church they’ve seen all their lives, but never stepped into.

8. Looking into the tiniest, shiniest, and purest 8 eyes in the world, and getting to call them “my girls.”

9. Getting to rely solely on Christ like never before.

10. Falling in love… in so many ways.

I don’t write my bucket list. I write a list of selfish desires and wants that He reads because He loves me. He reads my list because I am His. However, He writes my bucket list. He is the one who determines where I go, what I do, and who I’m with.

I got to appreciate the experience He wanted me to have, which has made it undeniably perfect. Given the chance, I wouldn’t change a moment. He has blessed me, and for this I will sit at His feet in awe and worship.

“For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.” Jeremiah 29:11

In retrospect, something tells me that Cape Town just wouldn’t be quite as beautiful alone.

Yours Truly

Isaiah 26:3-4

Spring Break 2012: (Sparknotes)

Phase One (Zanzibar)

Easily one of the prettiest places that I've ever been. It is a very small island off the Tanzanian coast and is consistently rated as one of the worlds top tropical islands. Stone Town, which was formally a slave trafficking town is 99% Muslim. This town is filled with culture and amazing buildings, markets, and restaurants. The rest of our Zanzibar trip was spent on the Northern part of the island (about 2 hours away by car from Stone Town) at a beach resort called "Kendwa Rocks." It was absolutely stunning and possibly the prettiest beach I've ever seen. Not bad for $16 a night!

Phase Two (Bagamoyo)

Bayamoyo is a very small town sharing a coast with Zanzibar, sitting just parallel with the island. It's known for it's incredible powerful cultural influence that has been preserved, the Bagamoyo ruins, and the abundant talent in the arts.

Phase Three (Dar Es Salaam)

Dar Es Salaam is the capital city in Tanzania, and is one off the most developed cities in Africa.

So it was time for spring break, and life in Arusha had actually gotten mildly exhausting. Everyone looked forward to a relaxing beach vacation, and we were excited at the thought of a chance to run away from our worries and stresses. This vacation ended up easily being one of the most stressful trips I've been on, however. But hand-in-hand with that stress comes challenges and growth from Christ.

Every single girl on that trip ended up on Cipro. I got to accompany 3 girls to the hospital and wait bedside on their needs. The heat was quite overwhelming. Zanzibar Muslim's have a tendency to be very uninviting to tourists and visitors. Men at resorts and around Dar were very blunt, touchy, and disrespectful. I could honestly go on forever, but the point isn't to explain why the trip was bad. The point is to explain why the trip was amazing.

I found myself at each one of these moments longing for Arusha. Longing for my girls. Longing for the comfort of my familiar mosquito net. Upon our return back to our compound, I caught myself skipping into the house shouting "IT'S SO GOOD TO BE HOME!"

Home. This place a world away from all familiarity that I barged in on only 2 months ago... home. Home isn't my house in Fayetteville. Home isn't my house in Kansas City. Home isn't my house in Arusha, Tanzania. Home is my girls. Home is that feeling of comfort. Home is getting upset by a random Tanzanian boy and sitting on the beach talking on a long, long, long distance phone call with a very special man until my phone runs out of credit. Home is cringing when the doorbell rings because you know that dogs are about to bark. Home isn't a location, but a feeling.

As I was laying on the beach staring at the stars on my last night in Zanzibar, laughing about my "break," I realized that God had tricked me. I didn't need a week to rest my heart before getting back to work in Arusha. I needed to remember that there was a place for my heart to rest no matter what part of the world I was in. Christ created the most wonderful home that travels everywhere with me, right in the thicket of my heart. I always knew that I had a heart for missions, and I always knew that I heart for home. I just never realized that they were the same. My spring break was about God teaching me the beauty of appreciation. It was exactly what I needed, whether I knew it or not. My spring break brought me home.

And my home is perfect.

"Behold, I am with you and will keep you wherever you go, and will bring you back to this land. For I will not leave you until I have done what I have promised you.”

Genesis 28:15 (ESV)

Yours Truly

1 John 3:18

Humjambo wote, all! Writing in here from Tanzania with a bit of an odd post request.

You all know my mom, Sarah Elizabeth Overby. One of the strongest, most deserving, most loving, most inspiring women that I know. Through the course of the past 8 years, our lives together have "hit the fan," so to speak. For those of you who were never let inside to see the purity of her heart, here's a little bit of our tale.

When my father left a few years ago, my mom and I began to undergo some financial trouble. It was a very hard time for both of us and there was a lot of trial, a lot of pain, and a lot of suffering. Through it all, I was a young girl who needed someone to trust in, and my mom therefore threw all of her needs to the wind and sacrificed her heart, her mind, and her soul in order to give me unconditional and genuine love and condolences. She hasn't stopped doing that since. Financial issues continue to get harder, and she continues to sacrifice any type of luxury or unnecessary expense so that I can have what I want, including sending me off to spend a semester in Africa no matter what type of stress or concern it would cause her. Any time I need money for anything, she forks it over without a thought, knowing that she will find a way to make it work for me. True selflessness.

A lot of people don't know, but my mom truly has a heart for the nations. She loves all shapes, colors, and sizes in a way that is clearly rooted in the Lord. After many, many prayerful nights that God could provide and give her a little bit of stress relief on our financial situation, I woke up this morning to notice that He was going to extend a scholarship that I received for my semester abroad by just enough money to cover a round trip ticket to Tanzania. I told my mom that I received a scholarship and she responded by exclaiming that "Oh I'm so proud of you, now you can have money to actually enjoy Tanzania and do all of the things that you wanted over there! Now you can have the chance to not be so held back by funds! Now I don't have to worry about a monthly allowance!" The interesting thing is, however, that my crazy mother assumed that I wanted to use this money for me. That I would rather spend a day swimming with the dolphins in Zanzibar Island than have $100 more dollars towards a plane ticket to get her out here.

I told her instantly that I wanted to use this money for a plane ticket for her. I wanted to get her over here and share these experiences with her. I can continue to live as cheaply as possible, to constantly save money, and to work hard to pay off other debt. I know that she's stressed about money that is owed, money to come, and the financial hole that we're in that responsibly this money could go towards. Sometimes the people who spend their whole lives giving deserve a chance to receive, though. I want my mom to receive this small gift; truly the least that I can give her. I want her to stop counting pennies to see if she can afford a hostel, to stop worrying about my monthly allowance so that I can see other surrounding countries, to stop making sure I have money to go out to a restaurant for dinner every once in a while. I want her to spend a little time to think about herself, and how much she would love to be here and see the beautiful gift that Africa, and that she has truly given to me.

If you're reading this, facebook message or e-mail my mom. Tell her how much she deserves this. Give her a little bit of encouragement on how amazing she is, and reassure her that I can live cheaply over here. 20 years from now, I won't care if I got the hand tailored skirt of African fabric, or if I got to spend the weekend rafting the Nile in Uganda, or if I got to swim with the dolphins or spend a day on the beach in Zanzibar. I will care if I got to sacrifice those things, in order to help my mom fulfill a dream. So help me convince my mom to let me serve and love on her in a way that she's been serving on and loving me her whole life.

Yours Truly

1 Corinthians 13:7

T5 Things I Miss From the States:

1. The food. Especially candy. I really, really like candy. Oh, and cookie logs.

2. The southern hospitality. I never fully recognized how friendly and inclusive states in the south are, and the attitude of joy and love that they incorporate into their lifestyle. It's something special, though.

3. The fact that mosquito's just want to make me itch, not kill me.

4. Miscommunications are so common here, when there's such a language barrier. Misunderstandings can be frustrating, and are way more plentiful than in the states.

5. A few VERY important people. I would do just about anything to go sit down for lunch with my mom and talk face to face. To go to Cherry Berry and grab ice cream with my best friends. To go on a date with or hug a very special someone. Distance makes the heart grow fonder, though, that's for sure.

People keep asking what I miss about the states, and there's definitely a few things that I'm homesick for. There's a few things (especially a few people) that I find myself laying in bed thinking about at night before I doze off. At the end of the day, though, the way that I miss the states doesn't even start to compare to the way that I will miss Tanzania after I leave. The luxury and convenience of the states is nice, but the suffering and the complexity of Arusha is incredible. Being abroad has fueled the flame that is my heart for missions. Being abroad has flooded my mind and heart with clarity on many things, especially my desires to one day become a missionary in a far away country. Being abroad has expanded my heart exponentially for the nations. I feel so called, led, and grateful to be abroad.

If I could scoop a couple people up from the states and bring them abroad with me, I would never look back.

If you've never been abroad (especially to select areas of Africa or Asia in an underdeveloped country) then I would highly suggest it. It's not everyone's "cup of tea." It's actually very few people's thing. Not many people go abroad and desire to take on this lifestyle permanently. It's a very specific calling. However, everyone who goes abroad comes back changed. No one comes and see's the development, the raw and pure joy and hope, the utter devastation… No one goes abroad and isn't moved by the sights. It's a type of beauty that affects your heart in a way that the states never will. Maybe it's not the lifestyle designed for everyone, but taking time dedicated to others in a country like Tanzania, Nepal, Burundi, or India has the power to make you more effective wherever Christ calls you.

There are lovely things across the pond over here. So in response to everyone's questions of "Do you miss the states? Do you miss home?" Yes. I do miss the states. I miss the states in the sense that there's a few relationships back home that are extremely important to me, that I'm strongly led to, and that I seriously miss. However, when I'm home, the way that I'll miss Tanzania and life abroad will be a whole different world.

T5 Things I Will Miss From Tanzania:

1. The landscape. The way that every day here paints a new picture of beauty and every tree gets a brighter shade of green the longer that I stare at it. To wake up, step outside, and be greeted by God's natural creation rather than buildings, industrial revolution, and man-made images.

2. Every day is such a powerful mission. Every day when you wake up you feel so driven and so inspired to serve and run into the battlefield. The feelings of laziness, apathy, and selfishness are so much more scarce over here. There is motivation in the air to go dedicate every moment of every day to working for Christ. He's moving in this country, and He is making others move along with Him.

3. The look in people's eyes. The most hurt and pained people have a look in their eyes here. There is a general thirst for hope; a hunger for faith lingers in the air. It drips in the humidity of the day and it's so encouraging. Good things are going to happen here, and I can't wait to hear about them.

4. The simplistic lifestyle. It doesn't matter here if you have electricity. You don't really care if you lose water and gas for a day. You feel completely unmoved if your mosquito net breaks on your head in the middle of the night, your water won't boil, and your fans are broken so you're sitting in 100 degree heat all day long. None of it matters, because the people here find happiness in the simple things. They keep their eyes peeled for every single one of God's little gifts, and they appreciate them all. It's something that I hope to carry in my heart forever.
5. Everyone here has so much to teach. I have never learned more about how to love God and how to love others than Tanzania has taught me. There are lessons, just waiting to be absorbed and applied.

Yours Truly