Hebrews 13:8

"Not only do we not know God except through Jesus Christ; we do not even know ourselves except through Jesus Christ." Blaise Pascal

As I embark on my final month in Tanzania my mind has begun wandering to the life awaiting me at home. Last semester I spent much of my time being introduced as “Erin Pham, the girl who’s going to Africa.” I also introduced MYSELF as “Erin Pham, I’m about to go to Africa.” With a combination of excitement and desire to talk about Tanzania constantly, and the hope for the conversation to open doors and lead to another way to share the gospel, my semester in Tanzania quickly became my identity to many. The girl who wants to do missions, the girl who loves going abroad, the girl who is headed to Africa.

Identity is something that is constantly changing. I’m a student, Tanzanian Resident, girlfriend, American Citizen, Razorback, Pi Phi… the list goes on. However, the one thing that will not change is that I am daughter of the most high God.

I can place my identity in my Tanzanian residency, but in 31 days that will be uprooted and my identity will be forced to change. I can place my identity in my student occupation, but in a few years that will make a drastic shift and I’ll be left waving goodbye to the identity I crafted for myself.

When I touch ground back in the States I will no longer be able to call Tanzania “home.” I will no longer drive to my house in “Kansas City” for the comfort it once offered. I will no longer be “one of the girls who lives at ‘The Dock’.”

I will, however, be His. I will rest my identity in Him, and let the rest fall into place.

Yours Truly.

1 Corinthians 15:41

"God's promises are like the stars; the darker the night, the brighter they shine."

I could swear to you that there’s at least 4 times as many stars here as there are in Fayetteville. I get to step out of my room and look at these stars lighting my path every night; I get to gawk at their brilliance. The most beautiful thing about this sight, however, is that it’s not made for me. The sight of those beautiful stars is created for God, by God.

If someone that I care for needs something from me, I hand it over without a second thought simply because I love them and I desire to share with them. God shares these beautiful images with me, His daughter. I stood as the only one in that particular spot, on that particular night, looking at that particular sky. It was a sight that He made for himself and gave my prideful, dirty, impure eyes the chance to gaze upon. It was a moment of intimacy between He and I. It was the daddy/daughter date of the century.

I desire closeness with people. My flesh demands clarity, answers, and direction in my earthly relationships. However, my soul and heart need only one relationship. The relationship that will never abandon me, let me down, give up on me, stop caring for me, or fail. My heart needs only Him, and therefore all else that He gives me will create joy and gratefulness in my soul.

I tried to take a picture to show people back home how amazing the stars were, and even on my “Night-time Star Gazing” setting it didn’t pick up a single star. This is the camera that can pick up the smallest star in the sky on the darkest night, yet it couldn’t seem to find a single one of the brilliantly bright and overwhelming stars that were blanketing the sky. Why?

That was a moment of intimacy for my Father and I. That was a time that we got to share with each other and love each other with the greatest and closest love there is. I didn’t need a picture to share that sight with anyone else, because that was a sight that He gave to me. That was mine.

Go outside and look at the stars. Whether it be spectacularly bright, or cloudy and dim, take a moment to sit with the Lord. Take time and let Him show you a love that will sustain you for a lifetime on this imperfect planet. Let him give you a gift, because He loves you, and you are His.

Today is a day that the Lord has made. Let us rejoice and be glad in it!

Yours Truly.

Isaiah 66:9

“I will not cause pain without allowing something new to be born, says the Lord.”

So when I woke up this morning there was a weird sensation in my stomach. As I described it to Collin, “I felt uneasy about something and I am just not sure what…”

After a time of prayer and genuine reflection, I realized something. I am homesick. Lately there’s been a surplus of things that I’ve had to “miss out on” back in the States. It’s hard to sit helplessly in Africa so far from all of your friends knowing that you don’t get to be at that dinner party, a part of that wedding, a date to that event, so on and so forth. I haven’t really felt homesick since I’ve been here. I’ve been so filled with excitement and drive to serve that I haven’t really spent time reflecting on what I’m missing out on back home. It’s a powerful loneliness.

Then I realized, I think that’s part of why I feel so called to missions. The life of a missionary requires such a hard sacrifice. You have to devote your life to serving the Lord in a place foreign to your comfort zone. There’s something so raw and beautiful about being forced to place all of your relationships, materials, and comfort in God’s hands and saying “You are my perfect Father and I trust you. Guide me where you want me.”

To me, a lot of the beauty of missions is the pain. Giving up so much and leaping into His arms. That’s why waking up this morning with a rock in the pit of my stomach was one of the best gifts He’s ever given me. It helped me know that I’m not coming over to Tanzania and just having a good time. I’m making a sacrifice and fighting this pain, which is something that I’ve always thought to be a requirement of a missionary. They have to love the nations but they also have to love home, because if they aren’t giving up anything to serve, then where is the sacrifice for Him?

Today I am thankful for the things that I’m missing out on back home. I am grateful for the fact that I’m not there on that dance floor, at that dinner table, and being that function date… and I’m even more grateful that it hurts. I just can’t believe that I’m the one who he chose to let feel this pain. This is a beautiful sacrifice.

And I absolutely can’t wait to spend my whole life sacrificing for Him, because He is worth it.

Yours Truly

Isaiah 64:4

"When the heart weeps for what is lost, the spirit laughs for what it has found." Sufi Aphorism

I boarded the plane for Tanzania and made a bucket list of things that I just had to do while I was over here. The list went on as I dreamed of this foreign and far away land where everything was exciting, new, and an adventure. I was going to go to Uganda and raft on the Nile, visit Kigali and see the sight of so much development, travel down to Cape Town and stand on the edge of the Cape of Good Hope with the wind blowing in my hair, finally understanding what it meant to journey to the edge of Africa and back.

My passport has many less stamps than I dreamed it would, and I can’t make these adventurous claims to friends back at home. All of these adventures require time and money. You want to know the best part, though? Let me tell you a few things that weren’t on my list, that I can now cross off.

1. Running across the finish line of the Kilimanjaro Marathon with two little girls small hands in mine.

2. Laying on a beach in Zanzibar and finding my undeniable heart and calling for missions.

3. Finding the micro-dipper.

4. Having a time of personal prayer atop a safari vehicle while trekking across the Ngorongoro Crater.

5. Gazing across the building tops of Nairobi from the top of the tallest sky-scraper.

6. Walking around town and speaking fairly effortlessly in Swahili with my new friends.

7. Inviting others to a church they’ve seen all their lives, but never stepped into.

8. Looking into the tiniest, shiniest, and purest 8 eyes in the world, and getting to call them “my girls.”

9. Getting to rely solely on Christ like never before.

10. Falling in love… in so many ways.

I don’t write my bucket list. I write a list of selfish desires and wants that He reads because He loves me. He reads my list because I am His. However, He writes my bucket list. He is the one who determines where I go, what I do, and who I’m with.

I got to appreciate the experience He wanted me to have, which has made it undeniably perfect. Given the chance, I wouldn’t change a moment. He has blessed me, and for this I will sit at His feet in awe and worship.

“For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.” Jeremiah 29:11

In retrospect, something tells me that Cape Town just wouldn’t be quite as beautiful alone.

Yours Truly

Isaiah 26:3-4

Spring Break 2012: (Sparknotes)

Phase One (Zanzibar)

Easily one of the prettiest places that I've ever been. It is a very small island off the Tanzanian coast and is consistently rated as one of the worlds top tropical islands. Stone Town, which was formally a slave trafficking town is 99% Muslim. This town is filled with culture and amazing buildings, markets, and restaurants. The rest of our Zanzibar trip was spent on the Northern part of the island (about 2 hours away by car from Stone Town) at a beach resort called "Kendwa Rocks." It was absolutely stunning and possibly the prettiest beach I've ever seen. Not bad for $16 a night!

Phase Two (Bagamoyo)

Bayamoyo is a very small town sharing a coast with Zanzibar, sitting just parallel with the island. It's known for it's incredible powerful cultural influence that has been preserved, the Bagamoyo ruins, and the abundant talent in the arts.

Phase Three (Dar Es Salaam)

Dar Es Salaam is the capital city in Tanzania, and is one off the most developed cities in Africa.

So it was time for spring break, and life in Arusha had actually gotten mildly exhausting. Everyone looked forward to a relaxing beach vacation, and we were excited at the thought of a chance to run away from our worries and stresses. This vacation ended up easily being one of the most stressful trips I've been on, however. But hand-in-hand with that stress comes challenges and growth from Christ.

Every single girl on that trip ended up on Cipro. I got to accompany 3 girls to the hospital and wait bedside on their needs. The heat was quite overwhelming. Zanzibar Muslim's have a tendency to be very uninviting to tourists and visitors. Men at resorts and around Dar were very blunt, touchy, and disrespectful. I could honestly go on forever, but the point isn't to explain why the trip was bad. The point is to explain why the trip was amazing.

I found myself at each one of these moments longing for Arusha. Longing for my girls. Longing for the comfort of my familiar mosquito net. Upon our return back to our compound, I caught myself skipping into the house shouting "IT'S SO GOOD TO BE HOME!"

Home. This place a world away from all familiarity that I barged in on only 2 months ago... home. Home isn't my house in Fayetteville. Home isn't my house in Kansas City. Home isn't my house in Arusha, Tanzania. Home is my girls. Home is that feeling of comfort. Home is getting upset by a random Tanzanian boy and sitting on the beach talking on a long, long, long distance phone call with a very special man until my phone runs out of credit. Home is cringing when the doorbell rings because you know that dogs are about to bark. Home isn't a location, but a feeling.

As I was laying on the beach staring at the stars on my last night in Zanzibar, laughing about my "break," I realized that God had tricked me. I didn't need a week to rest my heart before getting back to work in Arusha. I needed to remember that there was a place for my heart to rest no matter what part of the world I was in. Christ created the most wonderful home that travels everywhere with me, right in the thicket of my heart. I always knew that I had a heart for missions, and I always knew that I heart for home. I just never realized that they were the same. My spring break was about God teaching me the beauty of appreciation. It was exactly what I needed, whether I knew it or not. My spring break brought me home.

And my home is perfect.

"Behold, I am with you and will keep you wherever you go, and will bring you back to this land. For I will not leave you until I have done what I have promised you.”

Genesis 28:15 (ESV)

Yours Truly